I’m trying to use the help thing that comes installed on the computer, but that thing is about as useless as…well…something that is completely useless. I was going to say “useless as tits on a bull” there, but after careful consideration…I decided that bull tits might be useful to a very small sector of the population. Maybe there’s a cattle rancher somewhere that specializes in herding gender confused bovines? I haven’t been to Whole Foods lately, I’m sure that there’s a few packages of dead cow that are labeled “Kobe Beef: Hand massaged. Raised on a special diet of grain feed and Barbara Streisand music”. I’ve seen Japanese game shows, they do some pretty strange things to their people…why would the cows be any different?
The symbol for the help directory is a blue and white question mark, I find that clicking on it and typing the word “zoom” in the search bar is not answering any of my questions. It’s just leaving me more confused. I think zoom is a pretty specific term, but the people that programed my laptop must think I am asking for an existential interpretation. Oddly enough, typing the word interpretation has just caused the screen to zoom in to a visible size. That’s better. I wonder what I did to fix that? I’ve worked in the computer repair field before. I find that 90% of everything I’ve fixed happens by accident. Whatever, I’ll take the credit.
The laptop came with a bunch of programs that I’ll never use, already installed. It’s taken me a few days to remove them and/or hide them from sight because they refuse to go away. I remember when a computer came with disks and you got to pick and choose the software that you wanted to curse at. The computer keeps insisting that I use Bing as my search engine. Little does it know I went Google exclusively, a few weeks ago. I have Google on my phone, on my computer, and now even on my TV. The Google TV was a gift from my boyfriend. If you don’t have this wonderful creation, I suggest you stop what you’re doing and go buy it, now. Once you get it set-up, you can finish reading my blog from the comfort of your sofa. It was purchased for my son and me, but the whole family has gotten in on the action. The boy can now watch videos of Monster Trucks and people falling down 24-hours a day, if he so desires. He could probably use it to learn something too, but we all know that’s not gonna happen.
I worry that this constant exposure to technology is screwing up his childhood. Santa bought him a bike for Christmas. He was super excited about it until today, when I took him out for his first long ride. I thought the bike would give him a sense of freedom and independence. He got about halfway down the sidewalk and said “Ok, I’m tirewd. How do you turn this thing on?” I laughed, trying to explain that it doesn’t turn on and off…you just use your feet to make it go. He looked at me with disdain and said “what? Arwe you nuts? There has to be an app for this thing. Use your phone to downwoad something.” I wound up carrying the bike down the sidewalk for a few blocks, until he was ready to try again. He seemed like he finally believed that the only thing that could power the bike was a four year old boy. He got on and with a few pushes was sailing down the street. This lasted until he got spooked and abruptly turned the handlebars, sending him ass-over-teakettle, nearly head-first into a parked Nissan. Once the dust settled and I knew that his injuries weren’t life threatening, he climbed up off the pavement, kicked the bike and said “I could weally hurwt myself on this death-trwap. I’m surprwised you got so old if this is the only thing you had to play with when you were little.” So much for independence and freedom, I’ll be searching the Internet for bike safety websites and anti-aging creams.